As a child of the 80’s I can safely say, as far as pop culture and fashion goes: mistakes were made. I love my 80’s nostalgia as much as the next Gen Xer. I read Ready Player One with such an insane amount of 80’s fondness that the Literature Nerd in me could look past the horrendous writing and hackneyed characters. I still watch The Goonies and I think Return of the Jedi gets an undue amount of fan hatred. But that doesn’t mean that everything 80’s was a home run. Paisley vests inspired by the New Kids on the Block were a swing and a miss. While acid washed jeans were the shit, folding them bitches over and rolling ‘em up was just shit.
My 80’s nostalgia glasses are only half rose colored. I have enough self-awareness to recognize the absolute trash that came from the Decade of Excess. So trust me when I tell you this one immutable fact: 80’s toys were fucking amazing. I’m sure kids today will look back on the toys of their youth with a fondness approaching mine, but they would be dead wrong in thinking they had the best toys. That distinction belongs to the 80’s. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:
#5 Thunderhawk
Matt Trakker’s tactical vehicle from the M.A.S.K. cartoon was the sole reason my first car was an ‘86 Camaro. Thunderhawk was a mid-80’s red Iroc-Z with gull wing doors with hidden missiles and the ability TO FLY. This became the definitive cool car in my 11 year old eyes. And while my ‘86 Camaro lacked the Iroc-Z branding, gull wing doors, missiles, and capacity for flight, it was as close I have ever come to owning the bitchenist car of the decade. Eat your heart out, David Hasselhoff. Kit ain’t got nothing on Thunderhawk.
#4 Optimus Prime
Leader of the Decepticons and one of my favorite toys growing up, Optimus Prime was a, well… prime example of what a Transformer should be. He looked awesome transformed out of his vehicle state with only a hint of his big-rig persona. He had a sufficient amount of transforming steps, but not so much that a dimwitted little spaz like myself couldn’t figure it out. Not like the Gobots with two or three steps and you end up with a jet that has a face. Unfortunately for me, my Optimus Prime was destroyed and thrown out in an undeserved act of betrayal by my sister which didn’t come to light until we were both well into our 30’s. Et tu, Judas?
#3 Lazer Tag
It hurts putting this so low on the list. Worlds of Wonder’s Lazer Tag game was was my Holy Grail. It was the most popular toy of 1986, yet for me it was nothing more than an ephemeral vision. I would see them at the stores but, like a mirage, I could never get my hands on it. I felt a bit like Tantalus, bending over to drink the water, only for it to disappear each time. My childhood was forever thirsty. Luckily for adult me, there’s this thing called eBay and I snatched one up.
#2 USS General Flagg (GI Joe)
The USS General Flagg was a beast. Even by today’s standards of over-the-top toys, this thing was massive, clocking in at over seven feet long and three feet wide. And I wanted it. I wanted it with a fire and passion that I can’t explain. To paraphrase the words of Captain Decker: as much as Kirk wanted the Enterprise, I wanted this.I don’t even know what the hell it does, because it doesn’t matter. Does it have lights? Sirens? Sound effects? Don’t know, don’t care. The damn thing was damn near a to scale aircraft carrier. Whoever that magnificent bastard was that pitched the idea for this thing and put his career and reputation on the line to demand a full size G.I. Joe aircraft carrier to the suits at Hasbro is one real goddamn hero.
I distinctly remember seeing this thing in department stores in the mid 80’s selling for just over a hundred dollars which, to my 9 year old self, was a fortune. Now I wouldn’t bat an eye at spending a hundred bucks on my own kids for a single present, but I knew that price tag would forever be a guard against any hope of me owning it. But now I’m an adult with a moderate amount of disposable income, so what you got now, Flagg? I’m makin’ you my bitch and eBay’s the pimp.
$400? Ok, well, it might take me some time. It might be tricky trying to convince the wife that I should spend four bills on a toy, but I’ll still… oh, wait. That’s just for the box. Son of a bitch. You win, again, Flagg.
#1 Nintendo Entertainment System
The other toys on my list are pretty epic and totally deserve to be on this admittedly heavily gender biased list. But as amazing as they were, they didn’t do what Nintendo did. Nothing did what Nintendo did. The NES changed kids’ lives. That sounds hyperbolic, but you know as well as I do that it isn’t. It was the Great Equalizer. It didn’t matter if you were a nerd, or a jock, or burnout. Kids of all social classes and cliques could bond over NES games. Once I got my NES Action Set at age 13 I would trade games for the weekend with kids who never gave me the time of fucking day before. My Dad worked at a toy store and I got Super Mario 3 damn near before anyone else and for a few weeks I was hot shit at school. Everyone wanted to be my friend.
It didn’t just change my life at school, though. Anyone who knows me also knows about my absolute love for the whole Fantasy genre. You know, the genre that now produces multi million dollar budget movies and TV shows and countless epic book heptalogies? Well in the 80’s the fantasy genre was decidedly uncool, but that didn’t stop me from loving the shit out of it. And do you know what sucked me in? It wasn’t Tolkien, it wasn’t Brooks or Eddings, Weiss or Hickman. It was a little game called Dragon Warrior on the NES. Now, I don’t remember a lot of things from my past. Memories are erased, overwritten, and deleted quickly in the mess I call my brain, but I clearly remember getting Dragon Warrior. It was free, you see. My parent’s favorite word. The only hitch was you had to buy a subscription to Nintendo Power Magazine. After days of bugging the hell out of my dad he caved and got me the subscription and the free game. I was hooked for life. Hooked on swords and sorcery, hooked on role playing games, and hooked on Dragon Warrior. I have it installed on my phone right now. It’s an OK port, but nothing beats the classic cartridge.
I’m not sure if Nintendo still has the magic they once had. I’m not a kid anymore and a lot of that wonder has faded. When I was a kid I had one system and I had to share the TV with the rest of the family. Getting time to play was hard. My own kids have 3 systems, their own TVs, games on their laptops, and games on their phones. I hope through all of that something exists in their world that is sparking that same kind of magic and excitement that the NES gave to me.
