When I saw the topic for this week’s Cosmic Disasters podcast I inwardly cringed. Anime. I know nothing about anime. I’ve mentioned before that I have an arrogant and, some might argue, irrational disdain for the whole genre. I don’t begrudge anyone their obsessions, and far be it for me to look down on anyone else based on their love for some bizarre fandom; I have plenty of weird passions myself. Typically when I am forced, in various nerd circles, to defend myself for never having watched Princess Mononoke, or knowing nothing about Dragonball Z or Gundam Wing (is that even an anime? I don’t fucking know), or why I’m not totally in love with My Hero Academia, I have a hard time expressing my views without sounding condescending. That’s also why I don’t debate people on religion. If pressed, I’ll admit I find the animation style lacking, the storytelling juvenile, and the voice acting abysmal. Put your pitchforks down now, weeb mob. At this point I have to confess: so are many things that I like. The same could be said about Star Wars. So what’s the real reason I don’t like anime? I suppose it’s just not my cup of tea. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I like to think of myself almost like the Andy Rooney of the Nerdyverse. This is a distinction I am quite aware I haven’t earned nor could I possibly live up to.

Now I’m pretty sure that complaining about how I don’t like anime for an entire article wouldn’t go over well with you guys, so for this week’s Stranger in a Strange Land blog post I’ll list the top 5 cringiest things I loved as a kid (and, honestly, still do. Let’s be real here). A little self-deprecation is good for the soul.

#5 – Ewoks

I’ll start the list off with a well-loved classic. Return of the Jedi came out in 1983 when I was an adorable little 8 year-old tyke and it’s the first movie that I can recall in detail having seen in the theater as a kid (I have more nebulous recollections of Empire and The Wrath of Khan). By the time I left the theater I was obsessed. From that point on I only wanted action figures if they came from Jedi – no Greedos or Hammerheads (shudder) for me. I loved the Jabba’s Palace scene with its menagerie of seedy aliens and grotesque monsters. I loved Salacious Crumb who was either hideous, or adorable. I could never decide. The heroism of Luke Skywalker returning to Tatooine to rescue his friend Han Solo taught me so much about courage and friendship.

For most people, the movie goes downhill from there. Not for me. As exciting as the first act of the movie was, I loved the Endor scenes the best. Most of all, however, I loved the ewoks. Yes, I loved the ewoks with a passion. I wanted to live in an ewok village. I wanted to be surrounded by ewoks. I wanted an ewok family. I had ewok posters, plushies, books, and any other merchandising tie-in my parents could afford.

How cringey is it now?

I won’t even talk about the cinematic malpractice that is the Special Edition of RotJ. The theatrical edition still holds its own. Always has, always will. And although my adult, sophisticated brain says Empire is the best Star Wars, the kid in me still gets more excited about Return of the Jedi. It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that I found out, thanks to the internet, that RotJ is widely considered to be the most inferior of the Holy Original Trilogy. Ever since then I have always pretended that I’m not a fan of Jedi. I’ll consistently list it as the third best SW film (behind Empire and ANH). Truth is, if I had to pick one Star Wars movie to watch right now, it would Return of the Jedi.

#4 – Animaniacs

I was probably a little too old to be obsessed with a cartoon when Animaniacs was on the air, but societal expectations wasn’t my strong suit when I was in high school. For the uncultured, Animaniacs was a Warner Brothers cartoon that aired in the early 90’s, featuring 3 weird animal-like characters named Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, who lived in the WB Studios water tower. They would occasionally escape and reap chaos and sow discord in their wake. There were a slew of side characters with their own little semi-recurring segments of varying degrees of funny. As a plus for a religiously sheltered teen, the show was filled with gobs of sexual innuendo.

How Cringey is it Now?

This show did NOT age well. It’s filled with early 90’s pop culture and political references that kids now would not understand. Hell, I barely remember the call backs and I lived through that era.

Also, the Warner Brothers (and sister) are suddenly, absolutely, and unconditionally insufferable now that I’m an adult. They’re like watching 3 overstimulated kids with ADHD running around Walmart unsupervised and hopped up on sugar and meth. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. Pinky and the Brain is still on point, though. Narf.

#3 – Dungeons and Dragons

When I turned 16 I checked out a book from the school library. It was Guardians of the West, by David Eddings – a fantasy book in the same vein as Lord of the Rings. I had just finished the NES game Dragon Warrior and I had a sudden and insatiable hunger for sword and sorcery. Eventually that drive would lead me to the Dragonlance books and from there, my gateway into D&D was complete. I had a few dubious older friends and a dog-eared DM who was about the worst DM fathomable, but I still had a lot of fun and I would spend my nights poring over the Player’s Guide, or flipping through the books on the art of D&D. The fantasy genre had wholly consumed me at that point.

How Cringey is it Now?

For a while D&D was the epitome of cringe. It was synonymous with, and inextricably bound to, the basement dwelling, socially inept loser. An unfair association, I think. Although when I was playing D&D I was, quite literally, all three of those things. But I’m pretty sure there were some normal people who played, too. Now it has inexplicably become an accepted and popular hobby among the nerd nobility. How this came to be during the course of a single lifetime is a question for the Ages.

 

#2 – The Gospel Bill Show

The Gospel Bill Show was a children’s show from the 80’s that featured the adventures of Sheriff Gospel Bill and his friend, a former drunk criminal named Nicodemus, in the fictional town of Dry Gutch in the American Old West. To say that the show had a strong Christian element would be an understatement. In every episode, the townsfolk of Dry Gulch learn that they can only solve problems by trusting in Jesus Christ. A typical message for a Christian show, but Gospel Bill seemed a little reckless and a bit overzealous in things he would trust to Jesus. In one episode he convinces the Local Female (miss Lana) to give her money to God as a tithe rather than pay the overdue rent on her shop. Of course this is a kids show so everything worked out for her in the end, but I don’t think this is a good message to send kids. I’m pretty sure that money wasn’t a high priority to Jesus and he didn’t really advocate for wealth as a reward. In another episode, a drunk ass Nicodemus is thrown into jail, and Gospel Bill manages to end his drunkenness by praying to God.

Now there were some fun little interstitials that I loved as a kid; one of my favorites was a segment were Nicodemus would draw a random squiggle on some paper and Gospel Bill would turn it into a nifty little cartoon. Usually someone praising God, or worshipping God, or learning a lesson about the importance of trusting in God. There was also a recurring puppet segment and more that I’ve long since forgotten in the passage of time. Or perhaps my mind has repressed the memory of it, who knows?

How Cringey is it Now?

I’m ashamed to admit that I liked this show long after I should have. I was a sheltered child, so this was some serious entertainment for me. And even though I knew on some fundamental level that the whole “give all your trust to the Lord” thing doesn’t work in the really real world, watching the show still made me feel like I kinda had a superpower. I could cure drunkenness and pay my mortgage on thoughts and prayers alone. Kind of a shitty superpower, but can an atheist do that? Checkmate.

Yeah, but no… this is as super-fucking-cringey now as it must have been then. But don’t take my word for it, check out this clip of Gospel Bill giving out sound medical advice.

 

#1 – Rescue Rangers

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, Rescue Rangers was a Disney cartoon staring the chipmunks Chip and Dale that aired in the afternoons on weekdays in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Chip and Dale, along with their friends Monterey Jack, Zipper, and Gadget, lived in a treehouse in the suburbs and rescued animals in danger. Pretty cool show when you’re 10. Nothing cool about it when you’re 15. I had an extraordinarily unhealthy relationship with this show as a teenager. To this day I’m not entirely sure why. It was never a very good show, yet I was obsessed to a debilitating degree with it well into my later teen years. I won’t go into extreme detail here, but let’s just say that I’m shocked I didn’t turn into furry. Like an honest-to-god, costume-wearing, tail-attached-to-buttplug-sportin’ furry. Because I was well on my way down that path. I created elaborate stories, with myself as my own character in the show. I wrote fan fiction before I even knew that fan fiction was a thing. I learned to draw so that I could draw the characters in whatever situations I imagined. Even well into my 20s I drew Gadget porn under a pseudonym and uploaded them to Usenet newsgroups. Many people asked me why, and I was never able to give any of them a straight answer. I don’t know why. My parents even sent me to a counselor. Looking back on it now, as a fully adulting (ok, moderately adulting) 40-something I still can’t tell you why. Don’t think I’m holding back or hiding something here; I have never been this honest and forthright about this in my life.

How Cringey is it Now?

It’s a show for kids. I can’t watch it now and give an objective answer about its cringe-factor because I will always see it through the lens of my teenage years. Maybe I can re-examine it whenever the live action version comes out. Those bastards better not ruin my Rescue Rangers.

So whenever I harmlessly poke fun at someone else’s fandom, especially fucking weebs and their anime waifus, just know I tease because I understand. I get it. Maybe I’m not into anime. I likely never will be. But I understand what it’s like to be obsessed with a show, or a genre, or an aesthetic. I may seem at times like an outsider, and although sometimes I certainly feel like a stranger in a strange land, I’m really no different than any other nerd in our big, beautiful nerdyverse.

What about you? What cringey shit were you into as a kid? Submit your confessions in the comments below to find absolution.