Nerd Confessions: Session 1
Forgive me, Nerdyverse, for I have sinned. My sins are multitude and egregious. Where, O Holy One, should I begin?
I don’t like Pulp Fiction. Yes, Nerdyverse. I told you my sins were egregious. I spoke only truth. What’s worse, I have not enjoyed any Quentin Tarantino movie. I’ve never thought that shitty, random, nonlinear editing was any sufficient replacement for skillful storytelling. I have no doubt that some of you could school me on how the editing in the Kill Bill movies was exactly the opposite of random and shitty, but we both know you’d be lying.
Penance: 15 Hail Uma’s
I never watched The Dark Knight. Blessed Nerdyverse, hear me out on this one and have mercy. My reasoning and justification for this blasphemy is simple: I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. It’s been on my “to watch” list for, like, 10 years now, but I never seem to have the time. Please, I have sinned. I am heartily sorry for having offended thee.
Penance: I must watch The Dark Knight and not be able to geek out over how great it is with anyone because it’s been over ten years and that would be super weird.
I abhor anime. O Divine Nerds of Solitude, O Holy Virgin of Virgins, there is no hope for me, I fear. I have no waifu. I don’t know what the fuck a Jotaro is. Bleach is just a cleaning product. I don’t care about the scholars of My Hero Academia. I have hate in my heart for Dragonball Z and Pokemon. Sometimes I desire to live without this hate, but then I’ll strike up a conversation with an otaku or a weeaboo and I feel the murder begin to rage inside me again. I fear for my geeky little soul.
Penance: I must abstain from Hentai on Fridays
I liked The Last Jedi. The Nerdyverse has spoken on this one and I have ignored their divine Will. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it several times. It was wrong, I know. But I couldn’t help it. I enjoyed it three times in the theaters and then again so many times at home. In the same bed I share with my wife, even. I am ashamed. I enjoyed watching Luke guzzle that sweet green alien titty milk. I experienced a rapturous pleasure from watching Rose and Holdo. The apocalyptic meltdown from the fans afterwards was positively orgasmic. Then, as if this isn’t bad enough, Holy Nerdyverse, I engaged in a little forbidden Solo time.
Penance: 25 I Am Your Fathers
Divine Nerdyverse, I have taken up enough of your time, but please indulge me in one more confession. And this is a doozy.
I haven’t seen any of the Avenger movies. And I don’t just mean only the ones with Avengers in the title. I’m talking about any movie with a character from the Avengers. Not Ironman, not Captain America, not Thor, none. Not one. I meme the shit out of them, but completely missed the boat on actually watching the movies. The last Marvel movie I saw was Spiderman 2 (was that even a Marvel movie? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW). I’d like to get caught up, but holy shit. That’s 22 movies and there’s no way in hell. I mean, where does everyone find the time?
Penance: Tears of Repentance to Our Lady of Comicon.
